


My Boy

by TellMeImPrettyOdd



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Joncer - Freeform, M/M, Post Panic! Split, Ryden, Twitter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-23
Updated: 2014-04-23
Packaged: 2018-01-20 08:53:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1504340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TellMeImPrettyOdd/pseuds/TellMeImPrettyOdd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan is asked what he thinks of Brendon on Twitter after the split, and he finally decides to answer it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Boy

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off of Ryan's about Brendon being his boy, and always will be. If that wasn't obvious enough. Please give me feedback after reading!

"@thisisryanross: What do you think of BRENDON URIE?" 

 

Ryan held his phone in his hands and tried to think of an answer. He could write a lot of things. Obviously some too personal. He didn't want to tell Twitter user meyoulawyer or the rest of his followers who didn't know him personally to know _how much_ he missed Brendon. Or how much he loved Brendon. That was something he didn't really want his friends to see either. 

Ryan closed his twitter app and went through his contacts. There it was, the contact labeled, 'My Boi'. Ryan never changed it back, or deleted the contact after Spencer typed that into his phone. He never had the heart to after he left the band. It was a reminder of the great memories, what some part of Ryan wanted to go back to, what another part of him knew he _couldn't_ go back to. Ryan had missed his chance, they'd found a replacement, and he couldn't just march back into Brendon and Spencer's lives and demand to be let back into the band. 

He started to type the message, 

 _"...Hey, they're still asking about you."_ He backspaced immediately. He couldn't say that. He couldn't say anything, that wasn't fair to Brendon. None of it was fair, but Ryan left, it was his choice. 

Ryan covered his face in his hands, he couldn't say _anything_. He needed to, just to say something. He'd gone months without talking to Brendon, Spencer and even Jon. He was answering that question. Ryan wasn't ignoring anymore questions about Panic! At The Disco, it was better when he just thought about it, admitted to himself that it all happened. Every night with Brendon Ryan had wasn't staged, it was two people in love. All those years with Spence, they defined friendship. He wondered how Spencer was doing, or if it would be okay to ask him. His friendship with Jon was something that stuck after the split, but still dissolved because of it. Everything had been real, and Ryan was tired of pretending it didn't happen. It was the same thing people did depression, they pretended the emotions weren't there so that they couldn't hurt. Ryan knew it was time to accept that the emotions were there, and they'd always be. In one way or another. 

 _"Hey, how's Spencer been? How've you been?"_  Ryan hesitated, he backspaced again. Could he ask about Spencer? Should he just text Spencer's contact? He meant to talk to Brendon, he'd been asked about Brendon. 

Ryan went back to twitter, he was so stressed out at this point, and so unbelievably sad. He was just plain, sad, regretful, a little guilty, angry, afraid. He started typing, "I love him, was I not obvious enough the other times?" 

He was almost sad enough to post it, Ryan laughed bitterly and deleted the text. He checked multiple times that he didn't accidentally post it, or copy it. _'Why is this happening to me?'_  Ryan felt like he defined the Simple Plan song that Brendon memorized the lyrics to back in the day. The song, "Untitled," he still remembered the name, and Ryan couldn't forget the chorus. 

Ryan could never forget the songs that Brendon wrote after he left. The Calendar, Trade Mistakes, Memories, Hurricane, Always, others seemed like they could be about him, but in Ryan's happier of times, he convinced himself that he was being conceited when he thought that. Nicotine always reminded Ryan of the two of them, but he couldn't admit that to himself. Ryan heard all of Too Weird To Live, To Rare To Die!, a lot of it was good music that could be about a lot of things. This Is Gospel was about Spencer specifically. Ryan had those words memorized. 

He started texting Brendon a few minutes later, _"Hey, Bren, I heard your new album, and it's great. You were always great at writing."_ Ryan almost sent this one, it wasn't too personal, not really. And Brendon deserved to know how well he did at writing. But Ryan knew that Brendon had enough fans to let him know he was great at writing. But Ryan called him Bren, he just wanted to talk to Brendon. Ryan knew it wasn't a good idea, both of them had so much history, and so many emotions woven into their relationship. 

It had all started the day Brendon started recording Lying, and Ryan absolutely couldn't take it anymore. Ryan shoved Brendon against the wall of an empty room at the studio and kissed Brendon like he'd never kissed anyone before. The two had been together from then to when Ryan left Panic! At The Disco. That didn't mean Ryan stopped loving Brendon. Brendon will always be Ryan's boy. Ryan's favourite caffeine addict. Ryan had taken to calling Brendon nicknames over the years. Bren, My Favourite Caffeine Addict, My Boy. Ryan was absolutely never going to stop calling Brendon those names. 

He backspaced the text again. 

Ryan hadn't realized it right away, but he'd started crying. His face was probably a mess by now, and Captain Knots was looking up at him, confused. As if to say, "Why's daddy upset? I hope I didn't go too far with anything. Why is he crying?" 

Ryan picked up Captain Knots and cradled his cat. Captain Knots didn't try to get out of Ryan's arms or squirm, as if he knew what was going on. Ryan put Captain Knots down after his tears started to dry up. There was a song he needed to hear. 

Ryan typed the song into the YouTube search bar, and smiled sadly as the song came up. He clicked and listened as the first note in Mad As Rabbits played and smiled widely through the whole song. 

After a minute or so, Ryan opened his twitter app again. He knew what he was saying. 

"@youmelawyer: He's my boy. Always will be " He smiled as clicked pressed the post button. 

Next, Ryan wrote a text to Brendon, he didn't hesitate to send the message this time. 

"I miss you." We must reinvent love. 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own any of the songs or people mentioned in this fic. 
> 
> You should listen to Untitled, it's a good song. And of course, Mad As Rabbits, but I assume you all have heard that song.


End file.
